Spending Plan: Getting your spouse on board...

Often money problems sneak up on a couple. You may pride yourself on being careful with money, without knowing what that really means. Meanwhile, the debts pile up on your untested virtue. Eventually, you realize you are not the spendthrift you thought you were. When that realization comes, you’ve got more than some self-improvement issues to tackle, you’ve got to convince your spouse of the problem and get him or her on board to help.

Getting into debt is usually the result of a misallocation between your wants and needs. Many of us see things like hair color, nail polish, makeup, several pairs of shoes and a closet full of clothes as necessary to our careers. Yet there are many ways to look professional at work affordably, if we only set saving money as a higher priority.

Other common misallocations occur over simple things like morning coffee and lunch. If you are in debt, you darn well better be seeking out and buying the least expensive home brew available. You’d better be packing your lunch too. There is simply no excuse for spending an extra $20 a week on such things when that money could be put down towards your debt. 

These are just some examples of common misunderstandings that prevent us from getting out of debt and saving money. But in a marriage, both husband and wife must work together towards a better financial future. If you buy that homebrew coffee and the fixings for brown bag lunches but your husband eats out anyway, you probably won’t save money, but only break even. If you keep indulging in new suits instead of going to the thrift store, you are only giving your spouse an excuse to spend money on something else unnecessary. You both need to participate fully for it to work.

The only way to tackle your debt properly is to come together with a single common goal for your money. But agreeing on a spending plan is much easier said than done. It may take many tries before the two of you even come to a consensus that there is a problem, much less agree on a spending plan. 

When your spouse is not on the same page, there is some form of denial going on. There is a disconnect between the financial reality and the way your spouse feels about money. After all, it is logical to save money now to spend it on better things later. If you cannot convince your spouse with logic, feelings must be the problem.

Many feelings can get in the way of a shared spending plan. When you ask your spouse to change spending habits, he or she may feel blamed for the current financial situation. Be careful to accept your share of the blame. Explain what it was that made you realize the problem yourself and show the budget to your spouse, explaining where the overspending exists. Make sure you are showing your own overspending as well as that of your spouse. 

Saving money can also impinge on the sense of personal freedom that some people base on money. This is what makes budgeting so difficult. Your spouse may feel you are exerting undue pressure when you set a limit on pocket money. He or she may feel suspicious that you are setting a limit that you don’t follow yourself. The only way to overcome these feelings is to always restrain your own spending and show your spending habits to your spouse. Let him or her see you are trustworthy as a partner in saving money.

If you have tried convincing your spouse with logic, even tried scaring him or her straight by showing the budget and the negative cash flow, you might not just have money issues. You might have marriage issues. If you feel like “the bad guy” for putting your foot down, or if things are so bad that you are considering separating your finances, there’s a good chance you need the help of a marriage counselor before you will ever get on board with your shared spending plan. The best way to figure out what problem you are really fighting is to sit down with your spouse and have a very serious discussion. 

It is important to set the importance of the conversation by scheduling a time to sit down with no distractions. Wait till after the kids go to bed, turn off the TV and sit down together. Take a moment to tell your spouse how much you love him or her.  Be careful not to scold or criticize in any way and explain your need for financial security stems from your desire to have a nice life together, where both of your needs are fulfilled.  Say, “It would mean a lot to me if you would help. Can we work on this spending plan together?" If a serious talk like this does not work, then the problem is with the marriage. You must fix that before you can ever hope to fix your financial problems.